Unpacking the Psychology of Gift-Giving

What makes for a great present? Attention, empathy and a little bit of espionage.

By Kate Murphy

Published Nov. 18, 2022

Updated Nov. 23, 2022

What do diamond earrings, an old window frame, a purple bicycle, a china teapot, a jigsaw puzzle, a flat iron, instant ramen and an espresso machine have in common? They were all gifts that respondents to a not-so-scientific field survey said were among the best, or worst, they had ever received.

If you were to guess which items were wildly appreciated vs. deeply resented, you would most likely fail spectacularly: The diamond earrings bombed, for example, because the giver had not noticed that the recipient, his girlfriend of three years, did not have pierced ears. The instant ramen, on the other hand, was a hit because that particular flavor, spicy miso, was not widely available, and the recipient’s mother, who knew her son was crazy about it, tracked down a case.

When it comes to gift-giving, context is everything. While marketers, influencers and innumerable holiday gift guides might suggest otherwise, whether a present is a home run or an epic fail depends less on cost, design, style, presentation or practicality and more on the giver’s ability to listen, observe and empathize — and perhaps do a little sleuthing.

“Gifts are an expression of feeling,” said Dr. Bonnie Buchele, a psychoanalyst in Kansas City, Mo., who has heard her share of angst about gifts, both given and received. “So in the rush of the holidays — that panic of ‘Oh my God, I’ve got to get gifts’ — it is a good idea to take a little time to think about ‘What do I want to say here with this gift?’”

Good gifts — such as the old window frame a college student’s first serious boyfriend gave her, with a photograph of her favorite view mounted inside — show that you have paid attention. Bad gifts make you wonder if the giver knows you at all — like the floral china teapot given by a mother-in-law to a daughter-in-law whose tastes ran midcentury modern, and who had (she thought) made it clear that she preferred brewing tea in a mug. Even worse are gifts that imply criticism, such as a flat iron given by another mother-in-law to a daughter-in-law who always wore her hair curly. (Mothers-in-law fared badly in the not-so-scientific survey, whose participants included a pilot, a school crossing guard, a priest, an interior designer and a UPS delivery person, among others.)

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“People tend to fall into the trap of not fully putting the recipient first,” said Dr. Julian Givi, an assistant professor of marketing at West Virginia University’s John Chambers College of Business and Economics.

Indeed, his research indicates that people often give gifts that reflect their own desires and motivations rather than considering the preferences of the recipient. Moreover, gift givers tend to focus more on the ta-da! moment when the chocolate fountain emerges from the avalanche of packing peanuts rather than on whether the recipient actually wants, will use or even has space for the thing.

This doesn’t necessarily mean the gift giver is a narcissist, or even terribly inconsiderate. It’s just that that person isn’t great at what is known in psychology as perspective taking, or seeing things as others would. “People tend to have trouble with that,” Dr. Givi said. But to give great gifts, you need to cultivate the ability to step outside yourself and really notice people’s passions, preferences and personalities.

Pay attention to the topics that enliven and animate the people on your gift list. Look at the kinds of things they have in their homes and offices, what they wear, the colors they favor, what they take pictures of and what they like to eat and drink. If they are into exotic cocktails, for example, they might get a real kick out of LED swizzle sticks or a private mixology class.

Pick up not only on people’s joys and delights but also on their burdens and aggravations, and think of gifts that might alleviate those things. If they complain about never having enough free time, steer clear of time-consuming gifts like jigsaw puzzles or 1,000-page books. Instead, think about time savers, such as a robot vacuum or hiring someone to fix things around the house that the recipient hasn’t been able to attend to.

Sentimental gifts are by far the most meaningful. Just ask the 53-year-old woman who was moved to tears by a purple bicycle with a big bow on it, given to her by her fiancé, who understood that childhood poverty had deprived her of such playful pleasures.

Giving a gift, especially one you want to make a statement, can be a vulnerable experience. “That’s why some people get so stressed out giving gifts, because it feels too exposing to express their emotions and like they won’t do it right,” Dr. Buchele said. People can also have a hard time accepting gifts, particularly if they have an avoidant attachment style or fear intimacy. They might subconsciously resent being known in that way, or feel unworthy or even envious because they are not as thoughtful.

How receivers react depends on how secure they feel in themselves and their relationship with the giver, said Dr. David Goldberg, a psychoanalyst in Birmingham, Ala., who, like Dr. Buchele, encounters a lot of gift-related anxiety this time of year. He added: “A thoughtful and generous gift can stir up all kinds of conscious and unconscious fears, longings and desires. What does it mean to accept it? Do I now owe the person something? What does it mean for me going forward? Do I need to respond in kind? If I respond in kind, does it mean going to the next level?” No wonder some gift givers tend to err on the side of caution and just buy something generic like a scented candle or a gift card, rather than run the risk of going personal and getting it wrong.

If you’re stumped on what to get for somebody, you can always ask. One couple uses a shared Google doc to keep track of the things they want to receive from one another; the wife therefore knew her husband would not be disappointed when she picked the fancy espresso machine he had on the list. This does raise the question of whether complying with a request is more an act of service than a gift. “I would suggest that anyone who says surprise is not needed in gift-giving perhaps has a different love language,” said Dr. LeeAnn Renninger, a social psychologist and a co-author of the book “Surprise: Embrace the Unpredictable and Engineer the Unexpected.” If being surprised is important to the person you’re giving to, try asking for more general guidance, rather than specific suggestions.

Maybe the best strategy when it comes to gift-giving is to conduct your own not-so-scientific survey. Ask family and friends to tell you about the best and worst gifts they ever received. Not only will you learn what kinds of gifts truly touched or perhaps profoundly hurt them; if you really listen, you will also develop a better understanding of their core values, love languages and attachment styles. These conversations can help deepen your relationships, which is a gift in itself.

https://www.nytimes.com/2022/11/18/style/holiday-best-gift-stress.html